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A couple of weeks ago over on Mom’s Morning Show, the topic of the week was Bitterness & Boundaries: Making & Breaking Relationships in Life & Business.

It was an interesting topic and one that’s near and dear to my heart as someone who has dealt with relationships, boundaries, bitterness, life and business for a while!

I was sad that it just happened to be the week that we weren’t feeling well as a family so although I called in a couple of times, I was very “off”. On Monday I was still feeling ok and we spent most of the show talking about those “girlfriend” relationships. Whoo boy did that bring up some memories for me and reminders that girls (at any age) can be really hard on each other!

Tuesday I missed the show and I specifically wanted Kelly to hold off talking about relationships with men until the Wednesday show when I knew I could be on too. Unfortunately that was day one of fever, aches and chills, so I sat and quietly listened. My contribution wouldn’t have “fit” too much given the way the conversation turned and that’s why I thought I’d start this post (and maybe some others) about what I hoped to bring to the conversation.

The other gals on the call were sharing about histories of abuse in their relationships with men - whether it be with their father, past husbands, boyfriends, etc. I was sad and told them at the end of the show that I spent much of the show just listening and praying for each of them.

So, you all get to read my contribution here! Yay for you! Or yay for me for having a way to throw it out there!

For whatever reason, I was blessed to be raised in a family with a father who was and is very loving. He wasn’t perfect by any means, but he was/is a great husband to my mom, a great dad to us girls and a wonderful example and provider. The idea of a dad abusing a daughter is completely foreign to me, thankfully.

My husband is prince charming. Really, he is. I knew that I loved hubs the day I first met him but, well, the man was already involved with a high school sweetheart so I had to wait eight years for him to realize that he should love me instead. Course he loved me all along too but, well, he was a little bit wimpy at the time and didn’t want to hurt girl #1’s feelings. I’ll share our sweet romance story in another post sometime. It’s a good one.

Anyway, we’ve pretty much always had a good marriage. But honestly, I almost royally messed it up for a few years there when my expectations and bitterness could have easily driven him away.

And that was the discussion that I was hoping that I could bring to table on the show - to perhaps encourage the gals that are in situations where things aren’t going as well as they hoped as far as marriage is concerned - but, like me, are committed to the whole idea of “til death do us part.”

Marriage takes work. And I don’t think a lot of young brides really realize that in this day and age. Sure the wedding is fairytale and the first year or so usually are fabulously wonderful. But there comes a point when things aren’t so lovey dovey anymore - you kind of get used to each other. You might even start to get a little bored with each other. Things that you used to find endearing are now irritating. Been there? Are you there now?

Don’t let it ruin your marriage ladies - I beg you. I’ve heard women who have wonderful (not perfect) husbands use the words “I think I made a mistake”. Noooooo - you did NOT make a mistake! Please trust me on that.

First things first. You can not…. YOU CAN NOT… You can not make your husband change into what you expect him to be. You just can’t. Might he change? Yep, he might. But in the meantime don’t let your bitterness from unmet expectations drive him away from you. Please!

And this is where the work comes in. I do think that sometimes it’s just a whole lot easier to wallow in the unmet expectation, to complain to others about what he should or should not be doing, etc., than to stop and think and pray and wait and turn your thoughts around. I know it was for me.

Even during the tough years I adored my husband. I knew he was a good man and I knew that he loved me. I just chose to take the easy route and focus on the “he doesn’t love me the way he should” route. Instead of admiring those traits in him that were admirable and steady (Kelly talked about this when she was talking about her ex husband), I just kept wanting more from him.

I’ll end this post with this thought and pick up on the topic again in a future post:

Once I made the decision to work to change ME - once I realized what I was doing to perpetuate all this and stopped doing it - he did change. Suddenly without the pressure that I didn’t even realize I was putting on him combined with my sincere work at focusing on those things I adored about him, things started to change and we started to heal.

I’ll talk more about the specifics of what I did to change me in another post - if you’re interested in hearing it?? ‘Course now that I’m not blog constipated anymore you might just end up with the whole shebang just cuz I want to type it! Tee hee.

Thoughts anyone?

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