A different perspective…
I was thinking yesterday all day after chatting with some friends on Mom’s Morning Show.
The topic is getting out of your comfort zone and Carrie shared how she’s struggling with her decision to move out of her parents home and back on her own with her 4 children. I feel for her. There’s definitely a level of comfort, security and safety in her living situation now - plus the fact that both sides are enjoying the arrangement for the most part.
Carrie said a couple of things, though, that got me thinking after I hung up the phone and I thought I’d share them here, just to process them but also to see what you think about a little different perspective - or different way of thinking.
Our culture loves the concept of independence and although I think independence is important, I wonder if we’ve pushed the “you’ve got to be on your own” mentality a bit too far for our own good. In the past, multiple generations of a family lived together - with grandma, grandpa growing old with babies around to love and snuggle. Young moms had built in help from their own mother and children grew up knowing and loving their grandparents intimately.
A few years ago my husband and I were convicted that we needed to make some changes in our living situation in order to prepare for the future when our folks get into their senior years. Our hope is that they’ll want to move back with us when they can no longer live on their own - so we can care for them and love them rather than put them into a lonely home somewhere and visit once a week or so.
(My girls and I do visit a retirement home once a week so we see how much those folks treasure the contact with youth and how lonely they are. If we miss a week it’s as if their lives have stopped and they’re so thrilled to see us it’s as if we’d been gone for a year or more.)
We purposefully looked for a property where we could build a second home for them so they could still have their independence for the years that they can still be on their own but have us close enough to drive them when their eyes fail, cook for them when they become weak and care for them if they become sick.
They’ll also have the option just to move into this home with us if they’d prefer. Sure things will be cozy, but we would make it work - just like they did in past generations when huge families lived in 3 bedroom homes. My mom’s grandma, for instance, had seventeen children in a home much smaller than any house I’ve lived in… it had ONE bathroom!
Now we also realize that this might not be what either set of parents want. That’s ok too, but we felt that we at least needed to do our part to be available if they decide that this might be a good option.
So last year we purchased our home on 6 acres that is perfectly set up to build a second home. (The bonus was a gorgeous view that I get to look at every day for the rest of my life, two huge gardens so we can continue our journey to crunchiness and a hot tub on the deck! Whoo hoo!)
I wonder what our country would look like if we embraced a multi-generational vision again for our families? What do you think?
**Edited to add - make sure you read the comments - some great thoughts on the topic in there! **
25. March 2008 at 6:55 am :
I agree with you. I love having both my parents and my in-laws living close by and we’ve certainly discussed combining households should the need arise. Grandparents are so important - my girls are now teens and still treasure the time they get to spend with them. My nieces and nephews out-of-state are missing out. There is nothing like an extra set of grown-ups around to help raise kids! Years ago, it didn’t seem like such a negative thing to have several generations living under one roof. I miss those days of visiting relatives and seeing grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and good friends all gathered after church for a big Sunday dinner.
25. March 2008 at 7:05 am :
Annette, how bizarre… people who PLAN to take care of their parents?
I think most people just assume that there will be some ‘program’ to handle all that
25. March 2008 at 7:16 am :
Yeah, Kelly, I know and I think that’s part of the problem. With all this push to independence we’re also forgetting our responsibilities and thinking the government will handle things that should be handled by families themselves. I realize there are unique situations but…
25. March 2008 at 7:20 am :
There is a huge difference between choosing to live together and having to live together, don’t you think?
25. March 2008 at 7:27 am :
Yeah, Treece, I do think there is a difference and we’d never try to force our folks to move in just because we’ve set it up that way. We just want to do what we think is required of us biblically - so that’s what we did.
However, in days past they really didn’t have the choice - or … even need the choice. It was just a given that families would live together whether out of necessity (finances or whatever) or because that was the norm.
The thing with my great grandparents family that always stands out to me is that they remained unbelievably close knit. Even to this day they have a family “club” - it’s huge now that we’ve gone generations deep and have spread throughout the world in some cases. When they get together for their annual family reunion (probably getting close to 1,000 people now if everyone came) it’s a huge love fest. The living of the 17 siblings rejoice in seeing each other again, etc. It’s beautiful.
It seems the assumption now is that if you “cram” that many people in a house they’ll drive each other crazy. I wasn’t there, and didn’t watch these kids grow up, but somehow I doubt that happened. They were forced to learn how to live together peaceably. And perhaps that’s what we’re missing?
25. March 2008 at 7:46 am :
I missed MMS yesterday, but I love this subject. As a kid when my Grandfather died, my father made an “apartment” in the downstairs of our home for his Mother-in-law to move into. When we moved years later her needs were also considered. Even after my mother passed away her mother still lived with us. I wish my kids had that kind of family environment to grow up in. Growing up with a Grandparent in the house was wonderful. I think it gave me a different look on life. My step-mother has told me that I will be the one to take care of her when she is old. I can’t see that happening, she is barely old enough to be my mom, but would love the chance to have them with us, and would gladly make room for them.
25. March 2008 at 10:18 am :
I live very near my inlaws and though most people would turn their nose up at the idea I actually like having them in my front yard. My in laws are such a source of help for me that I do not really know how I would do it without them. My husband also has other family living in our “neighborhood”, no one actually in this little cull - de-sac isn’t related to us. My parents also live within 10 miles of my home and I wouldn’t have it any other way! Plus, I am very independent.
25. March 2008 at 10:39 am :
I think it also has a lot to do with how the majority of kids are raised now-a-days…it’s all about independance from the get go…a competition on how soon they walk and talk…how well they do in school…all in a race to get out of the house, go to a good college, get a good career, etc…There is such a push for kids to succeed and for most part that means, getting out of your parents house and into your own successful (meaning, a good career, house, family) life. That thinking does not change once it’s the kids that need to start thinking about the parents. I think that mentality needs to change.
It’s awesome you planned ahead like that.
25. March 2008 at 10:53 am :
Well I’d like to move in with your family–those 6 acres sound glorious! I’m glad I read this post because my husband and I purposefully moved within 10 minutes of my parent’s home. Not a day goes by that I don’t speak to my parents (in fact we speak a little TOO much but that’s a comment for another kind of post).
My kids see their “nana and papa” every day. They joke that my parents are like the grandparents in the sitcom TV show “Raymond” and our family is Raymond’s family. If you haven’t seen it…Raymond, his wife and kids and his parents love each other dearly and get on each other’s nerves regularly, but you know they wouldn’t have it any other way. In my eyes my mother is the same age she was when I was a teen. The moments when I am most sad are when it hits me that she is in fact aging and won’t be around forever. I can’t quite grasp that and posts like this remind me that I need to hug her and my father a little more tightly when I see them tonight.
What you’re doing is wonderful I’m so full of happiness for you and your family that you are able to offer your parents this gift of unconditional love and support.
25. March 2008 at 12:22 pm :
We’ve thought about this actually. My parents are willing to add on to their home but I’m not sure I want them to make that financial investment. I guess I feel strange about them putting out a lot of money when they haven’t yet paid off the house, which should be their first priority at their age. They’re self employed and have no retirement set aside, so it’s a concern.
I think we’re a rare family because we get along so well together, 7 of us in a small home. You’re right - independence is a big part of our culture, and I do think about the future as part of the “sandwich” generation who will be caring for teenagers and elderly parents at the same time. I’ll have to cross that bridge in another decade.
25. March 2008 at 8:20 pm :
My mom is my absolute best friend and, since I’m an only child, my husband and I expect to take care of her. I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s done so much for me. Why wouldn’t I make her feel loved and cherished every day of her life? I hope my children will feel the same some day.
Nicole
1. April 2008 at 1:30 pm :
I am so glad that you touched on this subject. Not many people feel the need to care about the impressions that our elderly have on the younger generations. I think the “it takes a village to raise a family” mentality needs to re-emerge. The idea that love, companionship, trust, and support lies not only in the growing up stages but throughout our lives. I think too that back “in the day” the ability for children to relate to a multi-faceted age group gave them a more grounded view on life and more stability. I am pleased to see people having a more “family” oriented view on family! We own a ranch across the highway from Mom (mother-n-law), around the corner from grandparents, and down the road from a hundred or so aunts, uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents, cousins, etc… My girls’ view of family is so different then some. And we know realize more than ever how special our close-knit family is (currently traveling in an RV on the road with Daddy, he pipeline welds). So when we are done on the road, going back to our ranch will be a blessing and not a curse. We can’t wait! Thanks again for the reminder!
Love Much, Katherine